Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
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Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
こいつ天才
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down