Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
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People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
accurate
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.