Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
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when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?