Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
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One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs