Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
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The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
the Monday after daylight savings
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
crochet youtube is brutal
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.