Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
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No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do