Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Love, Science

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There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.


Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.


Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.

Unless your wife finds out.


I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.


My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.


When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?


I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.


No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.


Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.