Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Love, Science

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Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.


[both kids on my lap]

Me:This is so nice

5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.

M: I carried you for 9 months!

4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?


Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”

Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”


Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.


On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.


First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem


Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: ha nice try

I: excuse me?

M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.


*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*


I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too