@yoyoha
@blueeyesgreene Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
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@blueeyesgreene 
@Angibangie [both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
@shopkins776 Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
@sherifsharkawi Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
@david8hughes On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
@JakeSocial First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
@DaddyJew Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
@Kyle_Lippert *brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
@T_Bonezzz_ I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
@krystaunclear Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me: