Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.

Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.

Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.

How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb

frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.

Barber: What would you like today?

Me: Make me look attractive.

Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!

Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar

Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance

doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how to spell it

{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}

There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.

[Shipwreck Diary]

Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time

Day 4: nope. I’m fine

If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.

Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called

I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*

The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”

Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.

There are usually two types of merchants.

Everyone buries their problems in different ways.

I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.

HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?

We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.

Are you turned on?

Switch I might be!

WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?

[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?

“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*

“It was me. I shit on the rug”

Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet

Cinderella: I have size 5 feet

Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night

Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin

Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.

Day 2: Moldy.

Repeat weekly.

News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.

Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.

Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer

I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags

this is literally a CIA plant

I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.