Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
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At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.