Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
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My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
They got Raph!
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”