Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?

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“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”

“no, what’s it called?”

“the Nu variant”

“yeah what’s it called”

“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”

“haha wow, who named it that?”



Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.


…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.


Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?


HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.


Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.


The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.


You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”