Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
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Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.