Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
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Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
“and how does that make you feel?”
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’