Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
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who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Wednesday
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.