@LEDawes

Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.

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@pittdave13

Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure

Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?

@DaddyJew

Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people

@DurtMcHurtt

Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.

@OfficeofSteve

Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then

@summerofbenny

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.

@Smooheed

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

@DontTouchMyWine

Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*

@abbycohenwl

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-

@BakwasRadio

Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.