@pittdave13 Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
@LEDawes Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
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@pittdave13 
@DaddyJew Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
@DurtMcHurtt Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
@OfficeofSteve Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
@NerdyCheeseCurd Sorry. Not sorry
@summerofbenny “I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
@Smooheed All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
@DontTouchMyWine Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
@abbycohenwl [spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
@BakwasRadio Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.