Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
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For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
constantly working on myself.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.