Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
You Might Also Like
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Meow?
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
work smarter, not harder
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks