Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
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Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
I was bored.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
all bases covered
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
How does one answer this?
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?