Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
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Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
excuse me
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Roses are red
Violets are blue
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!