Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
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[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t