Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
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Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs