Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
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Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge