Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
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i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
FRED: right
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
I love snow
– People who never shovel
They grow up so quick
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay