@LifesGoodThing

Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”

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@ericsshadow

Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.

@RandiLawson

Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?

NO, SENSEI!

Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden

@TheAndrewNadeau

[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]

me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*

@Stellacopter

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

@AbbyHasIssues

Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.

My life is spiraling out of control.

@ElgatoEsmio

I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”

@mariana057

One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.

@mdob11

Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works