Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
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What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
“i miss shittin on people”
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
work smarter, not harder
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite