Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
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Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Heroic Misunderstanding
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
How to find Kentucky on a map