Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.

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If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.


Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.


Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you

My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest


Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!


I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.


When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.


Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.


I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.


So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay