Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
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Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!