Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
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Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?