Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
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The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Meth is short for Elizameth.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.