[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
You Might Also Like
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.