*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
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friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
eating my hot dog hamburger style
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”