@eileencurtright

Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.

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@thetobbie

Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…

@NoContextBrits

Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”

Potatoes:

@MissSassy_Pants

Murderer: What are you in for?

Her: Licking ice cream.

Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.

@TheresaDejaVue

I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿

@MelwiththeHair

Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.

@ninjadinosaur1

have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car

@DevinSiebold

Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.