Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
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If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
the three genders
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
My dog ate my work from home.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes