Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
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My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
emergency phone
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.