Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
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My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Very good! 👍😂
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Guys, I found it.