@

Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.

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@_theigirl

Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”

@Fathom_this

Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic

@gloomfather

The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change

@WorkaholicsQ

“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”

@ChaseMit

Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.

@WonderMonkey78

Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.

@seancehat

[opening birthday cards]

me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these

walmart clerk: put those back

@Cognitive_Diss

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.