Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
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Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.