Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
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Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.