[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
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devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Who does Amazon think I am?
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*