GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
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Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
*covered in blood holding eyeball
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.