[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
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all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
britain’s three elite institutions
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story