[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
You Might Also Like
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Not helping
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send