Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
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[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?