DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
You Might Also Like
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me