Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
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left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
be careful
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.