*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
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[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
why am I working on Labor Day
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
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