[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
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I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Before crowbars crows drank alone
I am, perchance
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.