[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
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My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie