[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
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Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her: