@SortaBad

[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit

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@flashember

SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]

@IGotsSmarts

If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

@JCWisdomNuggets

Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.

@LizHackett

I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.

@itsdivbaby

when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”

@squirrel74wkgn

In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.

@rockymomax

[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water

@Mom_Overboard

I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”

@mjkspeaks

Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.