Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”
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Stop it! 😂
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
🤯🤯🤯
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*
*two hours later*
Me: LIAR!
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved