Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
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Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
This anagram machine is out of order.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
#have a #great #PancakeDay
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.