December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
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[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
*seductively eats two tums*
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps