December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
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*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Saw your ex at the shops
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”