December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
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My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
he was correct
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
🤣😈🤣
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.